First class

I had lunch with a friend of mine who is also an attorney. We always talk about everything and nothing.
-Life could be very mundane if you just repeat the same things over and over again. I have a short attention span. So what? We work, work, work and then what. I wish I knew what I wanted. I said.
- Well, why don't you add some passion? I don't mean it that way. I mean doing something that you are passionate about.
_ Yahh. I brought this Daff, an Iranian music instrument, from Iran. I have been playing with it. I am actually looking for a teacher.

So I came back to my office and through one phone call I was able to get a hold of Ostad(teacher) Zolfonon who is a well known Iranian musician. My first session is tonight at 7:30. I am actually excited about it. Sometimes it does not take much time or effort to start something that you like. The key is WANTING to do it. Realizing that you really want to do it and then the rest will follow.

Last year

I found this on my computer dated last year 2/04!!! with a painting that I can't cut and paste.



This is . Life is.
We are who we are.
Why not?
Significant of nothingness.
The unknown makes it exciting.
Feb/04

Discriminating Experiences

I've always had the urgency to live my life to the fullest. That meant that I had to experience almost everything once, I had to be at many places, parties and gathering as much as I could. I could not sit still and relax. I constantly had to do something. I have not change much. If I'm sitting at a cafe by myself, I have to read a book or a newspaper because I just can't sit still. I consider myself very lucky to realize how precious life is at the early age. I try to travel and go to a new country once a year. 2003 was Thailand. At the end of 2004 I went to Iran, India and Paris. I came back January 20, 2005 to San Francisco. The very next day I went to Lake Tahoe and since then I've gone to Tahoe twice more and last week I went to Dallas, Texas. I constantly have to do something. When I travel, I almost lose contact with everybody. I do not repeat my routine life such as eating the same food, wearing a watch,.... It helps me to gain a new perspective.
Yesterday, as I was sitting and reading my book at home , I realized that I have not change much since I came back from India, except that I have become more selective in my experiences. I discriminate or reject experiences that are not good for me. I think discrimination marks the truly passionate. In my case it could be a sign of truly living my life and perhaps becoming more mature.
As Irish poet William Butler Yearts described gathering carefully chosen experiences " as if for a collector's cabinet."

Break Up

So, I have been seeing this wonderful gentleman for a very short period of time. He is one of the very few qualified man that I've met in the last year or so. He passes all the check list so to speak; honest, loyal, good family, educated, Iranian, five years older then me, truly a gentleman, generous, caring, loving, established ... a nice guy. Few weeks ago we went to dinner and I had all the intention to end things. He picked me up from my office on Thursday night sharp at seven p.m. As we got into the elevator, he was looking at me with so much love. Love just emanated from every cell of his body. I looked at him and taught, maybe I should give it a shot and wait. Maybe I should give the chance to myself and see how it will turn out. So we had dinner and I gave my speech that I like thing to go very slowly,... .

See, the problem is lack of physical attraction. I have been going back and forth in my mind to determine how important the initial attraction is. He has such a good personality that I could see myself falling in love with him. He initially asked me out last year and I said no. Over the period of one year, I saw him at the parties and few months ago I asked myself why did I say no to him? He seems like a very nice guy. Interestingly enough, he asked me out again this year and I accept it. His intention is to get married. I feel suffocated.

Am I trying to sabotage my relationship with him? Or is it simply the lack of initial spark?
I feel that I am not ready to settle down. Maybe because he is the wrong person for me? How important is the initial attraction and spark? Some say it will grow, but I highly doubt it. So in the last two weeks I have been struggling with the idea of putting an end to it or just as he recommended, jump in it. What a scary taught.

Finally I made my decision, I have to end it before it gets out of hand.

Last night I had dinner with him and I told him that I am not there yet. I am not ready for a relationship. After a long conversation he said, I do not understand what that means to be ready. There is no such a thing as I don't know. It seems that you are speaking Chinese to me.

You see, my personality is very free and let it unfold type of thing without any pressure. He is an engineer, he wants concrete answer, plans,.. . My only concern is what if I am never ready. Or what if I am ready when it's to late. Or is there such a thing as to late. To later for what?

I was a bit sad last night. But this morning when I opened my eyes I felt light and free again.

Life

Life is not complicated. We just make it that way.

What?

What makes you happy in life?

As If

"Work as if you don't need the money.
Love as if you've never been hurt.
And dance as if no one is watching."

Is it really possible to love as if you've never been hurt without any residue?

RRA

It’s good to Recognize, Realize and Appreciate something that’s good.

Why an ordinary life?

Why the fuck everybody insist that I should have a more normal and ordinary life. They love me and they care for me, I know that. My aunt was talking to me last night that I should be open to marriage and I should start considering people around me. And that I will end up like my mother otherwise, ALONE. That she is 50 years old and that she eats alone, she lives alone, she is sick alone, she …ALONE.
Yes I get it. I might end up being alone for the rest of my life. But does that mean that I have to give up the happiness that I have and as my aunt called it; Temporary happiness, and just start paying attention and start thinking about marriage so if live much longer I will have somebody to come home to?
I can not even picture getting married at this point in my life. I feel that I am under so much pressure suddenly. My aunt said that at least my mother has some happiness in her life and that is my sister and I. I will not even have that because I do not have any children.
That’s true, but why do I have to follow an ordinary life of growing up, going to school, getting married, having kids and then Die. So I have done part of my ordinary life, growing up, going to school. And now I should follow the rest. What I do not understand is that people who are married are not happy either. Most of them are miserable.
We had a similar conversation with another group just few weeks ago when I was visiting Iran. I asked who do you know that is happily married? A lady raised her hand. She is in her mid thirties, beautiful, tall with light brown her. She got married ten years ago and now she has two children. Her husband is tall, very handsome with an excellent position in Iran. She raised her hand and said: “I am happy. I am happy that I got married and I am very happy with my husband.”
Everybody nodded their head and said see, there are people who are happy in their marriage. I was shocked to see her raising her hand and making such strong statement, knowing that on the very same day she cut her husband cheating on her. On the very same day she confronted her husband’s lover and cried. I do not understand why people lie to themselves? Why can’t they be honest with themselves. Why do they like to live in denial? Is reality to harsh? Yes it is. But there is only two options; Accept it or Deny it. And it seems that most people are in denial. Will they ever wake up? Will they ever look within to see where the pain is?
Or maybe I need to wake up?

Forgotten Feelings

"All of us want to feel something. We either have forgotten or we have turned our back to it. We need to remember what use to feel good. If we don’t, we won’t recognize it even if it hit us right between the eye."

What's wrong with me?

I have no right to do this to him.

What's wrong with me. I wish I knew. He is a perfect guy. He is nice, sincere, educated, tall, intelligent, excellent communicator, caring, loving, thoughtful, reliable, wealthy, family oriented, sensitive and logical, etc... And yet what's wrong with me. It's not only him, there are more guys around, with the same qualifications, Yet what's wrong with me.

This morning he sat in front of me and even cried in my office. All he wants is any type of relationship, anything more than a friendship. " I love you to death. I love every ounce of you,...It's ok with me if you are...I accept every bit of you..."

What else do I want?

I sat still and listened to him carefully and give him the usual excuse; it's not about you, It's about me. I'm focus on my work and trip, lablablab. Who buys that anymore? I think any indication of excuse means NO.

"It's very rare to have the connection that we have. There is such a connection, why are you pushing me away?" he asked.

I'm thinking,Connections?? Connection must be two ways. How does he think that WE have connected? Why is it that people are connected to me and I am not. What's wrong with me??

He thinks that we should get married.

Mystery II

To what extend we shape our destiny still remains a mystery.

We are so insignificant in this world, yet ironically every little steps that we take, could change our whole life. Just like the "butter fly effect" not only our life, but every body else's life as well. Have you seen a movie call, sliding door? Same concept.

Do you really think that you have any control over your life? How many time have you planed something and one thing happened which changed the whole scenario. How many times have you left your house for a particular purpose and you met someone, you got a phone call or... Which changed everything.

Lets put aside our actions for now and go to a smaller scale, just words. Things we say on the daily basis will change lives. Some things as small as three words; I LOVE YOU, I HATE YOU, I CHEATED ON YOU, MOVE IN WITH ME, I'M SORRY, I'M LEAVING, MARRY ME, could change everything at once.

So how much control do we really have over our lives?

What's about?

It's not about what I say
It's not about what you say
It's about what we don't say.

Refrigerator 2

Tomorrow life is a delirious dream
when moon have shadows
of peach garden.

As drunk man is reading
part of his sad symphony tonight
and aches,

Why are we alive?

Refrigerator 1

The refrigerator poems are written in my kitchen by the limited vocabularies of "magnetic Poetry" on my refrigerator door. Here is one of them;

I remember old love
crazy and wild
he whispered one night
if I would be in his arms
I smiled and asked why?

So I smell and lick your beautiful breasts time after time
to play with your bare skin
watching you moan, shake and cry
beneath the misty rain
as wind goes through your hair
and kisses your tiny bitter sweet thighs.

As you look weak in the moment
yet want to make eternal love
and we become one.

Mystery

As I walked into the Peet's Cafe the smell of Dickerson coffee was intoxicating. The dark, rich espresso color chairs and tables with the classic music makes the cafe warm and inviting. There was a long line so I decided to use the bathroom. As I was waiting, I heard a little girl making an uncomfortable sound in the bathroom. I waited a bit longer and finally the bathroom door opened. A tall, chubby guy walked out as he held a little girl's hand. The little girl looked scared and insecure. She avoided my eye contact and rubbed her red eyes. I looked at the guy and I did not like what I felt. He went toward another girl who was standing behind me. She looked like the older sister and they all left together. Why didn't the older sister take the little girl to the bathroom? Why did the little girl looked scared? Why was she crying? Was this little girl being molested?

How much of this observation is true and how much of it is fragment of my imagination, remains unknown. However, assuming that this little girl was being molested then can we fairly say that we were born with free will and life is all about choices? Or is our life already pre destined the minute we were born depending which country, what type of family, rich or poor,what religion and culture our parents had? Are we creators of our lives? Is life really all about choices?What kind of relationship will this little girl chose? Will she hate her mother for not protecting her? Will she become a bisexual or a lesbian? Will she hate men? Will she end up committing suicide? Will she murder someone? Will she become a passive wife and end up in the battered women shelter or will she become a prosecutor to put child molesters like her dad behind the bars?

To what extend life is a destiny remains a mystery.

1 Comments:
shady said...
a mystery that will never be solved... u told me once that all people go thru hardship... some decide to survive it and become stronger and some act like a victim to life... i liked ur statement... we should all be survivors... we should 'will'...
10:18 PM
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