Faith v. Choice

I've learned not to stress over thing in life. Whatever needs to happen, will happen. Sometimes I think and rethink and think and analyze an issue over and over again. The more I think about it, the more confuse I get. So maybe I just have to let things go and see what life has in box for me?

There was a time that I use to plan things, but that does not work in reality. One move, one word, one person, one action and it will change everything. I've realized that I do not have control over things. My cousin said that's where faith comes in. But if you believe in faith that means you are willingly giving up your options and choices in life. I've always said life is about choices. But is it really? There are so many external influences in our lives that choice plays a part and faith plays the other.

Favorite Animal

I was flipping through the INC. Magazine and I stopped. I saw a beautiful picture of an orange-yellowish butterfly sitting on a blue daisy with a white background. For a moment it took me back to my childhood. Butterflies were my favorite. I even had a green butterfly necklace which I loved. I always had it on. One morning I woke up while on a trip to Isfahan and my beautiful butterfly was no longer around my neck. To me butterflies were the most beautiful, sensitive and free species that I knew. If I had to be anything I would have been a butterfly. They fly all over the world. See everything, experience hot and cold and if they don't like it they just fly some where else. So calm and relaxed. Their skin is so soft and delicate that they can die with a poke of a fingertip. They are not even capable of hurting anybody. In the Persian poetry butterflies are always with flowers and whipping candles. They are small, but they have a big heart. And that was me as a little .

Twenty some years later my favorite animal has become a black jaguar. Not even comparable. Jaguars. Not so pretty, not so delicate, no longer powerless and they won't die with a poke of a fingertip. Now, their poke can hurt a butterfly. They are dark, sleek, elegant, enigmatic and strong. They are patient and observant. Still calm, but nobody will F. with them.

Eventhough, I'm a jaguar, I still have the green butterfly inside.

Life

Life is very difficult. It really is.

Question

If you could have ask one question from god what would it be?

Mood

I am in such a crappy mood today.

Dr.'s Appointment

I was at the Dr.'s office yesterday to get my test result. I just went for the annual checkup, sugar, pressure, cholesterol,..., .
Hi, I have an appointment at 3:45.
-We'll the Dr. is in a surgery. Please have a sit.
How long do you anticipate to take before the Dr. gets here?
-Oh, about 30 Minutes.
May I reschedule because I have to be somewhere. I asked.
-Well, we have your lab results and the Dr. Needs to talk to you about it. There is a note on the folder.

What? What's wrong with me? I thought as I sat down in a cold Burgundy chair. For a minute my whole life came before me. What if the Dr. tells me that I only have another 10 or 8 years to live. What would I be doing differently? Where would I go? With whom would I spend most of my time?
I felt that my heart was beating faster and my pressure was rising. I never realized how much I liked to be alive. I always thought that I would not care if I die today. So what has changed?
I was pleased to realize that I would not be doing anything differently in my life. Except spending more time with my family. I am living my life day by day to its fullest just the way I want it. "Live as if it is your last day alive and love as if you have never been heart before." Finally the Dr. Came and told me that everything is perfect!!!

What would you do differently if you only had another 10 years to live?

Ordinary Life?

There is this fire inside you. There is this fire inside everybody that if it is not attended by the age of mid-twenties, it will die. There is the notion of living an extraordinary life, not an ordinary life. There is the notion of experiencing life, every minute of it in any way possible. There is certain comfort and stability in an ordinary life, but there is excitement in an extraordinary life.

When you look around, you'll see that babies are born, they go to school, get a job, choice a partner, get married and have more babies. Life seems like a circle that everybody follows. But is that our nature or is it our society that tells us the way we live our lives? Marriage is like a circle. People who are in it want to be out of it and people who are out of it want to be in the circle. Ironically both groups are unhappy. Why is that? Is it because by nature humans are never satisfied? Is it because people want to complain no matter what they have? Is it because people take others for granted? Or is it because people simply don't know how to live their lives happily and be content with what they have?

You choose a path to either be part of this nature-society life style or not. If you choose the path that most people do, then you got to find a partner, be committed and get married. But if you don't chose that path, then there is a chance that you won't be married, never have a family and won't have the emotional intimacy and stability in your life. The most difficult part is that after certain age it becomes harder and harder to stop, turn around and change your path to an "ordinary life."

So what do you do?

Happiness

Most people think that it takes a lot of different things, specifically money to be happy. But that's where they are wrong. Happiness is within you. You can have everything in the world and still not be happy. The recent research indicated that what brings happiness to people is love, good companionship and circle of good friends. I recently watched a Japanese movie called, after life. The concept was very interesting where number of people were dead and they were in an interim stage. The dead people had to pick a memory from their life time and the remaining memories would be erased. There was a seventy two years old guy who could not come up with any memory. So they gave him seventy two tapes, each representing a year of his life and asked him to watch it. It seemed that he had a very ordinary life, married and going to work everyday. The memory that he wanted to keep was about a night that he went to see a movie with his wife!! Interestingly, most people's memories involved someone else such as when they were in love or when they shared something with someone,... . I mean, think about it, what memory would you pick and why?

I always thought that there are two ways to deal with any situations or people; either accept it or leave it. But a friend of mine said, "or you can compromise a little. Bring it up or down a level to match each other."

As we grow older we learn that we should not or need not to compromise any more. We get so comfortable in our comfort zone that any change will shatter it. It's the fear of unknown and lack of courage to take risks. But that is the beauty of life. The unknown. Don't you think?

Anger

Anybody can get angry. But, being angry at the right time, for a right reason with the right person is hard. I have learned to watch my emotions. Meaning actually think about what I feel as I feel it. Getting to the roots of my emotions are not easy. Sometimes I have to go back many years. When you learn to watch your emotions objectively, you are not defensive anymore. You learn that alot of your responses are merely a reaction. It's your choice how to react to any situation. There is serenity and calmness in watching your emotions objectively.

First class

I had lunch with a friend of mine who is also an attorney. We always talk about everything and nothing.
-Life could be very mundane if you just repeat the same things over and over again. I have a short attention span. So what? We work, work, work and then what. I wish I knew what I wanted. I said.
- Well, why don't you add some passion? I don't mean it that way. I mean doing something that you are passionate about.
_ Yahh. I brought this Daff, an Iranian music instrument, from Iran. I have been playing with it. I am actually looking for a teacher.

So I came back to my office and through one phone call I was able to get a hold of Ostad(teacher) Zolfonon who is a well known Iranian musician. My first session is tonight at 7:30. I am actually excited about it. Sometimes it does not take much time or effort to start something that you like. The key is WANTING to do it. Realizing that you really want to do it and then the rest will follow.

Last year

I found this on my computer dated last year 2/04!!! with a painting that I can't cut and paste.



This is . Life is.
We are who we are.
Why not?
Significant of nothingness.
The unknown makes it exciting.
Feb/04

Discriminating Experiences

I've always had the urgency to live my life to the fullest. That meant that I had to experience almost everything once, I had to be at many places, parties and gathering as much as I could. I could not sit still and relax. I constantly had to do something. I have not change much. If I'm sitting at a cafe by myself, I have to read a book or a newspaper because I just can't sit still. I consider myself very lucky to realize how precious life is at the early age. I try to travel and go to a new country once a year. 2003 was Thailand. At the end of 2004 I went to Iran, India and Paris. I came back January 20, 2005 to San Francisco. The very next day I went to Lake Tahoe and since then I've gone to Tahoe twice more and last week I went to Dallas, Texas. I constantly have to do something. When I travel, I almost lose contact with everybody. I do not repeat my routine life such as eating the same food, wearing a watch,.... It helps me to gain a new perspective.
Yesterday, as I was sitting and reading my book at home , I realized that I have not change much since I came back from India, except that I have become more selective in my experiences. I discriminate or reject experiences that are not good for me. I think discrimination marks the truly passionate. In my case it could be a sign of truly living my life and perhaps becoming more mature.
As Irish poet William Butler Yearts described gathering carefully chosen experiences " as if for a collector's cabinet."

Break Up

So, I have been seeing this wonderful gentleman for a very short period of time. He is one of the very few qualified man that I've met in the last year or so. He passes all the check list so to speak; honest, loyal, good family, educated, Iranian, five years older then me, truly a gentleman, generous, caring, loving, established ... a nice guy. Few weeks ago we went to dinner and I had all the intention to end things. He picked me up from my office on Thursday night sharp at seven p.m. As we got into the elevator, he was looking at me with so much love. Love just emanated from every cell of his body. I looked at him and taught, maybe I should give it a shot and wait. Maybe I should give the chance to myself and see how it will turn out. So we had dinner and I gave my speech that I like thing to go very slowly,... .

See, the problem is lack of physical attraction. I have been going back and forth in my mind to determine how important the initial attraction is. He has such a good personality that I could see myself falling in love with him. He initially asked me out last year and I said no. Over the period of one year, I saw him at the parties and few months ago I asked myself why did I say no to him? He seems like a very nice guy. Interestingly enough, he asked me out again this year and I accept it. His intention is to get married. I feel suffocated.

Am I trying to sabotage my relationship with him? Or is it simply the lack of initial spark?
I feel that I am not ready to settle down. Maybe because he is the wrong person for me? How important is the initial attraction and spark? Some say it will grow, but I highly doubt it. So in the last two weeks I have been struggling with the idea of putting an end to it or just as he recommended, jump in it. What a scary taught.

Finally I made my decision, I have to end it before it gets out of hand.

Last night I had dinner with him and I told him that I am not there yet. I am not ready for a relationship. After a long conversation he said, I do not understand what that means to be ready. There is no such a thing as I don't know. It seems that you are speaking Chinese to me.

You see, my personality is very free and let it unfold type of thing without any pressure. He is an engineer, he wants concrete answer, plans,.. . My only concern is what if I am never ready. Or what if I am ready when it's to late. Or is there such a thing as to late. To later for what?

I was a bit sad last night. But this morning when I opened my eyes I felt light and free again.

Life

Life is not complicated. We just make it that way.

What?

What makes you happy in life?

As If

"Work as if you don't need the money.
Love as if you've never been hurt.
And dance as if no one is watching."

Is it really possible to love as if you've never been hurt without any residue?

RRA

It’s good to Recognize, Realize and Appreciate something that’s good.

Why an ordinary life?

Why the fuck everybody insist that I should have a more normal and ordinary life. They love me and they care for me, I know that. My aunt was talking to me last night that I should be open to marriage and I should start considering people around me. And that I will end up like my mother otherwise, ALONE. That she is 50 years old and that she eats alone, she lives alone, she is sick alone, she …ALONE.
Yes I get it. I might end up being alone for the rest of my life. But does that mean that I have to give up the happiness that I have and as my aunt called it; Temporary happiness, and just start paying attention and start thinking about marriage so if live much longer I will have somebody to come home to?
I can not even picture getting married at this point in my life. I feel that I am under so much pressure suddenly. My aunt said that at least my mother has some happiness in her life and that is my sister and I. I will not even have that because I do not have any children.
That’s true, but why do I have to follow an ordinary life of growing up, going to school, getting married, having kids and then Die. So I have done part of my ordinary life, growing up, going to school. And now I should follow the rest. What I do not understand is that people who are married are not happy either. Most of them are miserable.
We had a similar conversation with another group just few weeks ago when I was visiting Iran. I asked who do you know that is happily married? A lady raised her hand. She is in her mid thirties, beautiful, tall with light brown her. She got married ten years ago and now she has two children. Her husband is tall, very handsome with an excellent position in Iran. She raised her hand and said: “I am happy. I am happy that I got married and I am very happy with my husband.”
Everybody nodded their head and said see, there are people who are happy in their marriage. I was shocked to see her raising her hand and making such strong statement, knowing that on the very same day she cut her husband cheating on her. On the very same day she confronted her husband’s lover and cried. I do not understand why people lie to themselves? Why can’t they be honest with themselves. Why do they like to live in denial? Is reality to harsh? Yes it is. But there is only two options; Accept it or Deny it. And it seems that most people are in denial. Will they ever wake up? Will they ever look within to see where the pain is?
Or maybe I need to wake up?

Forgotten Feelings

"All of us want to feel something. We either have forgotten or we have turned our back to it. We need to remember what use to feel good. If we don’t, we won’t recognize it even if it hit us right between the eye."